Introduction
This
particular leg of the Journey is designed to
give us some practical steps to deal with
the inevitable pain and incredible pressure
arising from boundaries being broken within
a marriage, and to deal with these from the
vantage-point of forgiveness. You see,
betrayal comes calling in a variety of ways
and multiplicity of levels; but however,
whenever, and wherever, it leaves its marks
upon the heart.
Paul wrote to his troubleshooter Titus, how
“one of themselves, a prophet of their own, said, ‘Cretans are always
liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons.’
[He affirms in the Spirit that:] This
testimony is true,” 1:12-13a. So
notorious were the Cretans that the Greeks
actually formed a verb, krhti/zw (kretizo)-
play the Cretan, meaning ‘to lie and
cheat.’ They had a proverbial phrase,
kretizein pros kretas: ‘to play the
Cretan against a Cretan,’ which meant to
match lies with lies, like diamond cutting
diamond, to match someone deceit for deceit.
The phrase which Paul quotes in v. 12
reveals a rather unsightly side of the
Cretan character, doesn’t it? It’s an
hexameter line written by the Cretan poet Epimenides. In the earliest annals of
Greek history nearly all poetry was sung or
spoken to music, the poets being believed to
have sung under divine inspiration. Epimenides {5th - 6th
cent. BC} was revered by his fellow Cretans
because they believed him to be one of the
seven wise men of ancient Greece. The first
part of this, ‘Cretans are chronic liars,’
was made famous by another renowned poet
named Callimachus who quoted it in
his Hymn to Zeus. On the Island of
Crete was a monument called The Tomb of
Zeus. Now, if you’ve ever studied Greek
mythology then you know in their pantheon Zeus was the greatest of all the gods,
the father of most. Obviously, as a god he
can’t just die and be buried in a tomb; so
Callimachus used this a perfect
illustration of Cretan falsehood. In his
Hymn to Zeus he wrote: “Cretans are
chronic liars. For they built a tomb, O
King, and called it thine; but you die not.
Your life is everlasting.”
You need to understand that everyone within
their sin-nature has both an area of
strength and an area of weakness: one
leading to good accomplished apart from God,
the other to evil. And every one of us has
a lust pattern and a trend in one direction
or another, toward self-denial leading to
self-righteousness or toward licentiousness
leading to lawlessness. We can simplify
these to ‘control’ or ‘indulgence,’ turning
one way or the other instead of to Christ.
You’ve got to admit this has to be one of
the most dangerous, not to mention irritating, of all. So much arrogance,
criminality, and contempt is based on this:
the ability to deceive, the ability to
appear as something you’re not. Some people
build their entire lives out of this; they
erect an imposter in their own souls, a
poser to play-act before the eyes of the
world.
The Greek noun yeu/sthj (pseustes) means-
one who breaks faith, a liar.
You see, we start out with trust, which is
the basis of every right relationship. Then
that trust is broken through the language of
lies, through deeds of deception and acts of
unfaithfulness. Some are mental, some are
emotional, some are physical, and some we
know involve all three. The ‘entangling
sin’ of lying, deceiving, manipulating
starts in the soul {with the thinking of the
individual}, works its way out through the
speech, and finds its ultimate expression in
the actions. I can’t think of a more
maddening and frustrating aspect of dealing
with other people in relationships,
especially as parents dealing with your
children or as teachers dealing with someone
else’s. Or a more heartbreaking one for
lovers enmeshed in the lies of another.
It could be so simple to speak the Truth…
but like everything else in life it gets
unbelievably complicated when the
self-protective shield of the old man goes
up. When our initial priority in life is
self, when the first thought to cross
our consciousness in any given situation is
the preservation of our psuedo-self,
that ‘impostering’ image we love to project,
the Lie is imbedded so deep in our souls it’s almost
unimaginable. And the words of our Lord
come ringing to life: “For whoever wishes
to save his life will lose it; but
whoever loses his life for My sake will find
it,” Matthew 16:25. There must be
something larger than self preservation in
life, a greater Cause to which everything we
are or ever will be can be connected, a
Larger Story to which we can dedicate heart,
mind, spirit and strength. And there is:
the Cause of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the
Battle He wages for the hearts of man!
Body
The Bondage of Betrayal and How to Find Your Freedom.
Let’s consider one of the most extreme cases we can in
marriage: a husband becomes physically
abusive, a wife turns verbally cruel, or
infidelity is instigated by one or the
either. Not a fantasy, not a game of
wishful thinking, but a literal physical
affair. And there is such a thing,
ladies {and gentlemen}, as an ‘emotional
affair’ where time, attention, and affection
are given to someone other than your true
love, someone other than your spouse,
without sex ever being involved. {By the
way, you chose your spouse as your ‘true
love’ when you married them: you chose them
to be your ‘one and only.’} It can be just
as disastrous to one’s marriage and just as
dangerous to one’s mind because an emotional
affair, that deliciously intriguing
friendship, is the precursor to the physical
and the sexual. So, why start here? It’s
quite simple actually. Because if you can
forgive this— a husband or wife’s violation
of love— and live beyond it, then you
can do it with anything.
I want to start with the guilty party {that phrase is not
meant to make you wallow in guilt forever,
that’s not the purpose, but we’ve got to
call this something}, the offender
not the offendee.
A.
Cut all ties
with this other person. Whoever he or
she is. This is a non-negotiable point; if
you want to make it right with the one you
swore to love and if you want this marriage
to last, if you want to restore some level
of value and trust to this relationship,
then cut them. And cut them all: don’t call
the other person or accept their calls,
don’t e-mail back and forth, don’t pass
notes to them in the hall or meet them for
coffee. Nothing. Show your partner how
serious you are about the present …and about
the future. This is the first step toward
restoring trust.
B.
Answer any
questions from your spouse. Any. No
matter how much you may dislike it
initially, or how uncomfortable it makes
you, somewhere along the line you’re going
to have to make honesty and openness a part
of your motivation in this relationship.
That’s the way it works; you’re going to
have to give. You’ve taken something
invaluable from this marriage: trust;
now it’s time to give it back. This may
mean something you’re desperately afraid of:
vulnerability. In the apostle Paul’s great
dissertation on love from the divine
perspective he said, “Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the
Truth,” 1 Corinthians 13:6.
C.
Let your guard
down. This means a couple of things:
1) Drop your defensiveness {there is
nothing to defend}. The issue is not ‘Why
what I did was okay,’ but ‘How do we move
forward and move beyond this?’
2) Stay awake and aware to your spouse’s
needs. The command to live ‘awake and
aware’ is practically a mantra in the NT— 1
Corinthians 16:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:6; 1
Peter 5:8;
and Revelation 3:2. Over and over again God
say’s, “Do not fall asleep at your
post, be aware of the enemy’s movements,
stay alert,” for your life is unfolding in
the midst of a mighty Battle. Live like it!
3) Be present with your spouse mentally,
emotionally, and relationally. Make the
effort to understand their perspective, and
their hurt; try to realize where they’re
coming from.
For the faithful spouse, who may not be innocent in other
areas of the marriage {and who undoubtedly
has some issues of their own}. Rarely is
anything in life ever one-sided. When you
hear one side of a story, that’s what you
have: one side. Remember that. If it
involves anyone else at all, then there’s
another side. And somewhere across that
fine line in the middle is the truth.
A. You need to
determine for yourself: How much
information do I really want? Don’t
torture yourself emotionally by asking for
things that’ll only damage you in the long
run. Be wise, be discerning.
B Don’t give in to
the desire to use this as a weapon in other
issues of marriage or other areas of the
relationship. 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us,
that love “keeps no record of wrongs.”
Paul, wise apostle that he was, in one of
the most magnificent passages ever penned
said, “Love is patient, love is kind. It
does not envy, it does not boast, it is not
proud. It is not rude, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs [to store up,
sort through, and use against us at a later
date]. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the Truth. It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres,” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
{NIV}.
C. Allow yourself the
time and space to sort things out. In the
presence of God, in your own time, let the
healing process come to completion {the key
words here are ‘healing, process,’ and
‘completion,’ in that order}. There is
healing to be found in the presence of
Jesus Christ; it’s a process, cause
wounds like this don’t get healed overnight;
and it needs to come to completion,
it needs to find its end somewhere,
sometime.
D. Be tender,
compassionate, and endlessly understanding
with your self and your emotions. Spend
some time in reflection on the words of
David in Psalm 103: “The LORD is
compassionate and gracious, slow to anger
[and] abounding in love [chesed
is one of the Hebrew words for ‘grace:’ it
means- strength, loyalty, love, those three things combined into
one, all wrapped up together]. He will
not always accuse nor will He harbor His
anger forever; He does not treat us as our
sins deserve or repay us according to our
iniquities. For as high as the Heavens are
above the Earth, so great is His love for
those who fear Him; as far as the east is
from the west, so far has He removed our
transgressions from us. As a father has
compassion on his children, so the LORD has
compassion on those who fear Him; for He
knows how we are formed, He remembers that
we are but dust,” vv. 8-14.
E. Grieving is a
unique process, with many tears and many
tiers, many layers and levels to it: different people grieve in different ways.
In whatever way it surfaces within you, let
it out and let it heal. So, allow yourself
the time and space to grieve and to
forgive. And do it until the process
is complete.
In Conclusion
Protecting Your Marriage at the Most Basic
Level: ‘Affair-Proofing’ 101.
A.
Don’t live in
denial. E.g., “That could never happen
to us,” or “I know I could never fall into a
relationship like that.” Oh yeah? Is that
right? It should never happen to any
couple, and you’re right, no one should make
the choice to enter into an illicit and
adulterous relationship, but they do. It’s
precisely that type of naïve, ‘it could
never happen’ thinking that causes believers
to remain ignorant about the secret desires
of their own souls, and the secret designs
of those around them.
B.
Stay clear of
needy relationships. Where you see a
physical or emotional neediness in
someone {vulnerability taken to an extreme},
steer a path of fellow-workers,
fellow-soldiers in Christ, etc.— of brethren
in the Battle— but keep the boundaries in
check. Point these people always to the
Person of Jesus Christ, the Savior of their
souls and Lover of their lives. Set up
boundaries for yourself, then hold to them.
I’ll give you an example, and this is wise
counsel for communicators: a man should
never counsel a woman alone, and vice
versa. Whether they’re single, married,
young or old, doesn’t matter. Ask them to
bring a friend they trust, a female friend
or family member for a lady, male friend or
family member for a man, or choose someone
you trust. That’s called building a
boundary; it is protection …for both of you.
C.
Don’t meet
people in private places. Even business
meetings and ministry meetings need to be
done in an open, public atmosphere.
D. A final point, one
last word here: The best thing you can do
in times of pain, pressure, and heartache
within marriage is keep the lines of
communication wide open.
Freedom in
Forgiveness
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Introduction
The purpose of our pursuit down a Path of
Prayer and Healing is not just to look at
the bondage of betrayal, or the brutality of
our wounds in a world long at war, but to
find our freedom from their bitter
clutches. And what you must know is that:
Freedom can be found only in forgiveness.
As long as the weight of your wounds stands
squarely on your shoulders, and the shame of
your sins lies hidden in your soul, you will
never be free the way God intended you to
be. And you will live in chains, love in
fear, and worship half-heartedly, as one of
the walking wounded, as one who has never
found Christ’s healing for her heart.
1 Corinthians 13:5 says, that love {the
passionate and permanent agape of
God, which He pours out through His Spirit
within us (Rom. 5:5)} “does not act
unbecomingly [it never disgraces others
or dishonors self; it keeps a sense of grace
and tact in difficult circumstances]; it
does not seek its own [a simpler
translation would be: ‘love is not self-seeking;’ love does not insist upon
its rights, but rather remembers its
responsibilities]….” I wonder how
many problems in life would be solved, just
simply averted, if this one single thought
were always in our minds? That life is not
about me demanding my rights, though there
is a time and place to stand up for them.
It’s not about what I believe life owes me,
it’s about the phenomenal debt I owe
to the Lord Jesus Christ, that ‘duty of
desire’ which demands my allegiance to the
King of all Kings. Paul goes on to say,
“love [as it flows from the heart of
Jesus Christ] is not provoked [which
means that love does not view all of life
from the angle of anger and exasperation: exasperation is a sign of defeat
{something we should all know by now}.],
[and finally, ‘love’] does not take
into account a wrong {suffered}.”
The last phrase Paul uses is from logi/zomai
(logizomai), an ancient accounting term.
Logizomai spoke of ‘recording something
in your ledger in order to hold it against
somebody and punish them for it.’ It means
keeping a long list of grievances locked
away in your soul which, when the time is
right, you take out and tally up. It refers
to relationships where we’re constantly
asking, “Are the positives outweighing the
negatives or are there scores I need to
settle?” For “wrong” read evil:
kako/j (kakos) is a word which speaks of
something bad, something wicked.
We might as well get this principle: Love
never holds a grudge; it keeps no
record of wrong, sin, or evil. Love
“keeps no record of wrongs” {NIV}, is
not resentful and longing for revenge, and
as TLB puts it, “will hardly even notice
when others do it wrong.” Wow. Where
is that kind of love today? We hear about
it, we teach about it, theologians and
story-tellers alike love to write about it…
but where is it?
If we’re going to keep our souls from being
burdened with a lengthy list of unforgiven
grievances, if we’re going to guard our
hearts from the enemies of bitterness and
resentment, we’re going to have to learn how
to forgive. The word “forgive” in
the NT comes from a)fi/hmi (aphiemi)- cancel a debt,
pardon a person,
remit what someone owes. It speaks
of complete absolution for any wrong
that was done. The Holy Spirit uses it for
the Father’s stance toward His prodigal
children in Matthew 18:27 and 32; 26:28; and
1 John 1:9.
Body
1. Forgive based on
who you are “in Christ.” Paul in
Ephesians 1:7-8 tells us, that “in
Him we have redemption through His blood,
the forgiveness of our trespasses according
to the riches of His grace… which He
lavished upon us,” {RSV}. If grace has
been so lavish, so extravagant, as to
provide for our perfect forgiveness: every
sin, every stain, every evil blot removed,
what makes us think it’s our right to
withhold it from someone else?
2. We are to forgive
others as Christ forgives us. This is the
living reality of dependence on the Spirit,
of reliance on God as we walk with Him
throughout our lives. Paul instructs the
Colossians and ultimately you and I in
3:12-13, “as those who have been chosen
of God, holy and beloved,” to “put on
a heart of compassion, [‘a heart of’]
kindness, [‘a heart of’] humility,
[of] gentleness and patience; bearing
with one another and forgiving each other,
whoever has a complaint against anyone; just
as the Lord forgave you, so also
should you [‘should you’ what?: forgive].”
Charizomai— from charis, the
word for ‘grace’— means- ‘bestow a favor
unconditionally.’ Here it means not just to
forgive, but to forgive graciously.
We’ve all been ‘forgiven’ by those totally
devoid of grace, and you end up feeling even
worse than you did before you were
forgiven. That’s exactly what should not
happen.
I want to share with you one author’s
thoughts on forgiveness. In a chapter of
his book The Ragamuffin Gospel
entitled ‘The Victorious Limp’ Brennan
Manning writes, “The forgiveness of God is
gratuitous liberation from guilt.” From the
Parable of the Faithful Father in Luke 15 we
see that “in his brokenness, the repentant
prodigal knew an intimacy with his father
that his sinless, self-righteous brother
would never know.
When Jesus forgave the sins of the
paralytic, some scribes thought to
themselves: ‘God alone can forgive sins,’
Mark 2:7. How enlightened they were in
their blindness! Only God knows how to
pardon. Our clumsy human attempts at
forgiveness often create more problems than
they solve. In condescending fashion we
crush and humiliate the sinner with our
unbearable largesse. He may feel forgiven
but utterly bereft of reassurance,
consolation, and encouragement. Only God
knows how to pardon and put all four
together.
The Gospel of Grace announces: forgiveness
precedes repentance. The sinner is accepted
before he pleads for mercy. It is already
granted. He need only receive it. Total
amnesty; gratuitious pardon. ‘God alone can
make forgiveness something glorious to
remember. He’s so glad to absolve us that
those who’ve afforded him that joy feel, not
like disagreeable, troublesome pests, but
like pampered children, understood and
heartened, pleasing and useful to him, and
infinitely better than they thought. ‘O
happy fault’ they could cry. If we weren’t
sinners and didn’t need pardon more than
bread, we’d have no way of knowing how deep
God’s love is.’” pp. 180-81
3. We forgive and we
move on. There’s not enough time in life to
linger in the shadows of the past, to dwell
on the hurt and the anguish. The best thing
we can do is to pick up and press on.
There is oftentimes a process here, one
we’ve seen many times before. It involves
asking God to lead us back into our
wounds, acknowledging the damage done, and
forgiving those responsible. The next step
is to ask Jesus Christ {the great Healer of
the hearts of men} to heal the broken places
within us and to make us whole so that ours
is a healthy heart, an integrated soul, not
fractured and disconnected from reality and
from Christ.
4. Our forgiveness is never based on the object. Which
leads us to….
5. Forgiveness is for
the one giving it; forgiveness is for me.
It has no value if I have no integrity.
Why? Because it’s based on the character
and courage of Christ within us, on God’s
perfect essence not man’s imperfection.
6. Realize that the
Father does not hold in judgment or
condemnation those whom He forgives— Romans
8:1; 1 John 1:9. Here’s the application:
As offspring of the Almighty, as His
image-bearers on Earth, we should make a
spiritually-strengthened effort not to bring
up and deal with what has been forgiven in
the past. The lesson to learn is that when
God forgives, He forgets!
7. Any unresolved
emotional issue requires forgiveness. And
if that forgiveness is not granted, if we
continue to nurse from the bottle of
bitterness, the enemy will rush in and
establish a stronghold— 2 Corinthians
10:3-5. If we mishandle emotions and events
{and we all have at some point in time}, he
will sink his hooks into the life. You
remember what Paul said in Ephesians 4?
“BE ANGRY BUT DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun
go down on your anger, and do not give the
devil an opportunity,” vv. 26-27. The
word topos was used lit. of an
inhabited region, a city, a village,
a town {i.e., a place where people move
in, take up residence, and go to
work}; also for a “foothold” {NIV}, a
chance, an “opportunity” for the
enemy to exert his influence. Here’s what
TLB has: “If you are angry, don’t sin by
nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go
down with you still angry— get over it
quickly; for when you are angry, you give a
mighty foothold to the devil.” You give
him the chance to tempt you back into
bondage.
That’s how Satan works: he starts with
temptation, in colors and shades that
capture the eye, he moves to seduction, a
cool drop of water on a parched tongue, then
ultimately to addiction. He longs to see
believers in bondage. You better
understand that. He loves to see those who
have been freed from the shackles of sin and
the slave market of death bind themselves
once again to the idols he offers.
Self-discipline will not heal the anger of
unforgiveness. We might as well go ahead
and admit that it doesn’t work; then we can
move on to what does. The preacher’s petty
sermonizing and anger-driven legalizing
won’t touch this. An unresolved issue will
remain just that!
8. Harmony within the
Body of Christ requires forgiveness. What
did Jesus say in Mark 3:25? “A house…
divided against itself… cannot stand!”
In Luke 11:17 He said, “any kingdom
divided against itself is laid waste.”
If we want the Kingdom of Christ to overtake
the world, then we’re going to have work as
one. That means forgiving one
another.
9. Forgiveness is
critical to the Spiritual Journey, to
walking “in step with the Spirit”— Galatians 5:16-26. Paul shows us the
immeasurable value of forgiveness in
Ephesians 4:31-32 when he say’s, “Let all bitterness and wrath
[the
emotional spark] and anger [the
heavily fueled fire] and clamor [loud, verbal brawling] and slander
[the attempt to destroy another’s
reputation] be put away from you, along
with all malice [notice how he
uses the inclusive, encompassing adj. ‘all’
twice in one v.; ‘malice’ is hatred
and cruelty]. And be kind to one
another, tender-hearted [‘tender-hearted’ means- ‘be sensitive to
the needs of others’], forgiving each
other, just as God in Christ also has
forgiven you.” A believer who has been
made “tender-hearted” by the molding
hands of the Spirit, forgives his friends
and his enemies on the basis of God
forgiving him.
10. Forgiveness is
‘the cancellation of a debt once owed.’ It
is to permit wrong, sin, and evil to be
judged by God alone.
11. Forgiveness does
not mean accepting a wrong as right, a sin
as acceptable, or a hurt as welcome! It
means allowing God to handle it, and
ultimately to deal with it …in His own good
time.
The HS gives us, in vv. 19-21 of Romans 12,
this directive: “Never take your own
revenge, beloved, but leave room for the
wrath {of God} [i.e., give the wrath of
God an opportunity to work out its purpose,
instead of taking vengeance into your own
hands], for it is written [in Deut.
32:35],
‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,’ says the Lord. ‘BUT IF YOUR
ENEMY IS HUNGRY FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS
THIRSTY GIVE HIM A DRINK
[kindness offered in exchange for cruelty]; FOR IN SO
DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS
HEAD [this is a quotation from the
Septuagint of Proverbs 25:21-22; the rest of
the v. says, ‘and the LORD will reward you;’
your kindness and generosity to the arrogant
and unlovable {humanly speaking} brings
shame, remorse, and maybe one day
repentance].’ Do not be overcome by evil
[‘conquered:’ nikao is a military
term], but keep on overcoming evil with
the good [agathos- ‘the divine
good’].” This is a matter of grace
triumphing over evil! And it always does.
Grace triumphs over evil.
12. Forgiveness means
the removal of guilt and shame from the
realm of relationships. And here’s how it
works. Forgiveness starts first of all with
a need— this could be anything, big
or small— then a desire {to be free}, a hope
{in divine power}, then a decision {a
conscious choice to forgive}. Someone once
said, that “forgiveness is setting a
prisoner free, then discovering that
prisoner was you.”
13. Forgiveness
doesn’t mean erasing all recall. The human
mind is like a tape-recorder absorbing
everything around it. Therefore, while you
can never completely forget, you can
completely forgive. Keep forgiving til the
process is complete. We have to keep
forgiving and forgiving and forgiving until
as our Lord said, “It is finished!” When
the sting of the wound is muzzled and the
pain of the past is manageable …then you
know it’s done.
14. When the
relationship is intact {this implies that
some are not}, the one being forgiven should
understand that forgiveness does not mean
the consequences of wrongdoing are removed.
I’ll give you a principle: Receiving
God’s forgiveness does not mean all
after-effects are suddenly null and void—
David and Bathsheba: 2 Samuel 12:13-14;
thief on the Cross: Luke 23:40-43. An
example: When a parent forgives a child,
they restore that child to a right
relationship with them {the spiritual}, but
there is still a necessary place for holding
the child responsible for the wrong {the
temporal}. This is how children learn the
lesson that freedom demands responsibility.
15. Forgiveness is an
act of grace; it reestablishes a right
relationship with the offender from the
vantage point of the offended. Sometimes
it’s appropriate to release a person from
her consequences; sometimes it’s not.
That’s a decision which has to be made
individually.
16. Forgiveness does
not reinstate unearned trust in
someone. It does not miraculously revive
personal integrity in the offender. And it
can never be based on the expectation that
this other person will change or even that
they have changed. That’s something over
which you have absolutely no control.
17. Forgiveness is an
expression of love… your love for God
becoming love for others. It’s a matter of
mercy; and mercy is something we desperately
need.
In Conclusion
Regaining trust takes time. Time to let the
Lord of Life heal the wounds of the heart.
We learn to conquer our fear by faith in the
Word, and by learning to accept as our very
own the tender touch of the “Father of
mercies and God of all comfort,” 2
Corinthians 1:3b. And it’s time for us as
men and women to start serving one another,
to offer our friends and family something
besides our anger or passivity. It’s time
we offered them our undiluted strength as
men, our unencumbered beauty as women, all
that our Redeemer has released within us.
And today is the day to begin— 2 Corinthians
6:2.
F.O.R.G.I.V.E.
(click here to view in
Word format)
Introduction
I want to summarize for you our teaching on
forgiveness. To do that, I need to deal
with the ideas of ‘replay’ and ‘revenge.’
So, let me walk you through a couple of
concepts here.
1. Replays of events don’t divert anger;
they sustain it. We dream of revenge,
payback, retribution… and the desire to get
even starts taking its toll. We’ve seen and
studied already the command to “Never
take your own revenge …but leave room for
the wrath {of God}…,” Romans 12:19a. If
there’s one thing we know for certain, it’s
that: We cannot conquer evil with evil;
we can only overcome evil with good— the
“good” that God is {1 Jn. 4:8 and
16}, which is to say, with expressions of
His love, with out-workings of agape
applied directly to the people in our
periphery, and sometimes in our past.
The divine instruction to forgive, which
we’ve noted over and over in the NT, is not
in God’s best interests, but in ours.
Letting go of our anger, turning loose of
our desire to exact revenge, and stepping
out in faith on the Path of Forgiveness, are
one and the same.
2. Refusing to forgive only freezes us in
the past and gives our betrayers more power
than they deserve over our hearts and
lives. The Principle: To believe there
are benefits to unforgiveness is to deceive
oneself. And self deception is a
practiced art of arrogance. As Paul said to
the Galatians in 6:3, “if anyone thinks
he is something when he is nothing, he
deceives himself.”
What happens is that when you release what I
call your ‘gorilla grip’ on the wrong that
was done to you by giving it over to God, by
placing it in the Father’s hands, you set
someone free from the prison of pain. And
that someone is you.
3. Forgiveness is rarely easy; it’s not
natural to our sin-stained souls. And the
more we’ve been hurt, the deeper the wounds,
the more we need supernatural strength to
enable us to forgive. Deeper wounds need
greater grace. And that’s just what we
have in the indwelling Spirit of Grace: “He gives” us, according to James 4:6,
“a super-abounding grace.”
4. Forgiveness is a process, and in each
step are two parts: ours and God’s.
In order to execute the objective of
forgiveness, we have to walk through these
in step with the Spirit of God. Let’s take
a look at the acronym F.O.R.G.I.V.E., and
draw from this our insight into the
progression of forgiveness.
Body
F: Face the
Facts {i.e., don’t live in unreality}.
Ours: [1]
Face our own indignation at the injustice
done and admit our rehearsal and incessant
replaying of another’s wrongdoings. [2]
Acknowledge that our obsession has only
fueled our anger and hatred. [3] Admit we
are helpless to let go of our hatred and
hurt, then homologeo {name, identify,
or acknowledge} the ill will we have wished
on our enemies.
His: God
forgives us fully and purifies us
completely— 1 John 1:9. His Word gives us
that absolute assurance; in Psalm 51:17
David said, “a broken and contrite heart,
‘O God, You will not despise.” You
remember what occasioned this Psalm, don’t
you?
That statement was uttered and inspired in
the midst of his own personal confession to
the Lord God of Israel, Jesus Christ,
concerning his hand in the murder of Uriah
and his adultery with Uriah’s wife
Bathsheba. “If we admit our sins— make a
clean breast of them— He won’t let us down;
He’ll be true to Himself. He’ll forgive our
sins and purge us of all wrongdoing.”
That’s how 1 John 1:9 looks in The
Message.
O: Obstruct
Your Thoughts of Revenge.
Ours: When
memories surface {and they will}, when
painful episodes from the past reemerge,
take control of your thoughts. Paul
instructs us, to take “every thought
captive to the obedience of Christ,” 2
Corinthians 10:5b. The verb for ‘taking
someone captive’ in 2 Corinthians 10:5 comes
from the root noun aichmalotos- a
‘captive’ in war {a compound from aichme-
‘spear’ and halotos- ‘be taken:’ be taken by spear}. It is used here of
bringing our thoughts under submission to
our Savior, of leading our hearts back under
the authority of Jesus Christ …in “obedience” to Him. Even the apostle
Paul, one of the most bold and brilliant
thinkers in all of human history, lays his
thoughts at the feet of his Lord. Take your
stand in the Spirit, and make your mind work
for you and not against you.
E.g., “I bring these thoughts under the
authority of the Lord Jesus Christ, King of
Kings and Ruler of All. I reject these
things, I renounce them as a proper response
to pain. I will not dwell in the realm of
evil and arrogance. It’s not my job to
balance the scales; it’s God’s!” As it says
in Hebrews 10:30a, “Vengeance is Mine; I
will repay!” Or, like the message
carved into the stone of Edmond Dantes’
prison cell in the movie The Count of
Monte Cristo, “God will give me
justice!”
His: God is
faithful; He always keeps His promises. If
He ever fails in one, then He is not
immutable and He will certainly fail in
all. Nor is He absolute Truth, and how can
we trust anything He’s said? He is True
to His Word. That means in His own
impeccable timing, He’ll do what He say’s
He’ll do. He will hold each and every one
accountable for their own lives. What does
Paul say in 2 Corinthians 5:10? “For we
must all appear [without exception]
before the Judgment Seat of Christ [the
Bema, the Tribunal of Eternal Reward],
so that each one may be recompensed for his
deeds in the body, according to what he has
done, whether divinely good or eternally
worthless,” {RR Expanded}. Notice my
emphasis is not so much on eternal reward,
but on the fact that we stand ‘alone and
accountable’ before Christ for the life we
live “in the body.” That’s the
principle derived from hekastos: “each and every one.” Now, if this is
true for you, then how much more for those
who have wounded you?
R:
Relinquish Your Rights {which means put away
the demand that this person owes me; you
might as well forget that debt, because
whatever you think is owed you is never
going to be paid, and the wages of trying to
exact it yourself will destroy you}.
Ours:
Ask God to do what we cannot.
Holy Father and Mighty God, I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how
to forgive, but I am willing to be willing.
I am willing to let You work in any way You
see fit. Help me to see through the eyes of
Your Son, to see those who’ve hurt me,
wounded me, betrayed me, from an eternal
perspective— as wounded sinners desperately
in need of mercy. Do the work within my
heart necessary for me to let loose of my
anger and hand it over to You. Lead me by
Your Spirit to that place of empathy and
understanding Christ experienced when He
prayed on behalf of His murderers, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know
what they are doing,” Luke 23:34. In Jesus’ name …Amen.
Here’s the principle:
Understanding leads
to compassion that leads to forgiveness.
Understanding— Compassion— Forgiveness.
His: In
response to our pleas for His provision, our
Father empowers. He softens our
stubbornness, defeats our defensiveness, and
tenderizes our hearts by His mighty Spirit
within us. In Psalm 73 the psalmist Asaph
wrote, “My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever,” v. 26. In the
New Covenant of the nation Israel, God
promises His people in Ezekiel, “I will
give you a new heart and put a new spirit
within you; and I will remove the heart of
stone from your flesh and give you a heart
of flesh,” 36:26. A “heart of flesh”
is a heart of tenderness and compassion, a
heart alive to God and responsive to His
Spirit.
G: Grant
the Forgiveness
{and grant it in grace}.
Ours: Do what
Paul, inspired by the Spirit, encouraged us
to do. That is, “be quick to forgive an
offense. Forgive as quickly and completely
as the Master forgave you,” Colossians
3:13c {The Message}. Now comes the
time to choose. We make a conscious and
deliberate choice to forgive those who’ve
hurt us. You might even write down the date
and time you do it {just in case you need a
reminder}. This has little to do with
feelings, and everything to do with faith…
with our own trust in the Father’s heart
toward sinners and the Son’s omnipotent
strength. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can
do all things [not some, not a few, but
all] through Him who strengthens
me,” through the God who keeps on
infusing His strength, His power, His
ability, into me! It is an act of the will—
a difficult decision, but one that must be
made.
I want to go back to a quote from Dr. Neil
Anderson that I gave you on the Path of
Prayer and Healing. “Don’t wait to forgive
until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to
heal after the choice to forgive is
made.” {Italics mine.}
His: Over
time, God heals our unsettled emotions. The
Principle: Time doesn’t heal all wounds,
but God does; and time is the medium He uses
to do it. Psalm 147:3 says, “He
heals the brokenhearted and binds up their
wounds.” The “wounds” David
speaks of belong to the children of God: all
the pains, heartaches, and hurts of our
lives. He heals, He renews, and He restores
until our feelings catch up with our choice
to forgive and to let our anger go.
I:
Investigate Your Own Life.
Ours: Shift
our focus away from those who have hurt us
and concentrate on being who Christ created
us to be: that man, that woman. There is a
perfect passage for this. Matthew 7 in the
Sermon on the Mount— vv. 1-5.
His: As we
continue to make the “mind of Christ”
{1 Cor. 2:16} our own, as we live in the
light of the Father’s love and walk in the
strength of the Spirit’s power, something
glorious begins to happen: a transformation
within, as we move from darkness to Light,
from resentment to mercy, and from rage to
redemption. Our God gives us a new
perspective: the ability to see the world
through eternal eyes; and with that
understanding comes compassion, humility,
and a tender heart. “Love comes from
God,” as it says in 1 John 4:7; He is
the origin of love. And the Love of God
eventually eclipses our anger.
V: Validate
Their Worth.
Ours: We pray
for the healing of those who’ve harmed us.
Our Lord said in Luke 6:27-28, “love your
enemies, do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you, pray for those
who mistreat you.” We have four
distinct concepts here, concepts which in
themselves are total contradictions to the
‘ways of the world’ and the mindset of men.
A.
“Love your enemies.” Love was
the core of Christ’s teaching. Why?
Because love is at the heart of God; love is
the very center of who God is. It’s
that simple. 1 John 4:9 tells us, that
“By this the love of God was manifested
among us [‘love’ made its ‘appearance’
in the history of humanity], that God has
sent [notice the past completed action;
this is a perfect active indicative for all
our Jewish friends: not ‘will send’ but ‘has
sent’ for the purpose of your
salvation] His only begotten Son into the
world so that we might live through Him.”
The same principle Jesus taught His
disciples was the same one which had brought
Him from the Throne of Glory to the pit of
poverty: love, without preconceptions
or preconditions.
B.
“Do good to those who hate you.”
This is love shown in return for hate, right
given instead of wrong, compassion in return
for cruelty— an impossible requisition when
‘self’ is the sole focus of life. We will
nurse the latest bruise to our over-inflated
egos, especially in marriage, to the point
that revenge seems almost a necessity for
existence! What Jesus presents is an
honorable response to a dishonorable
exchange.
C.
“Bless those who curse you.”
Why? Because it’s the only way to prevent a
“root of bitterness” from “springing up” in your own soul. Leave
it in the Lord’s hands. When you are
maligned, slandered, criticized and
castigated, He will defend you! Let
the Supreme Court of Heaven vindicate your
case, no matter how long that takes.
D.
“Pray for those who mistreat you.”
You’re saying, “Rev. Ric, these things are
impossible.” And they are, from
human perspective and in human power. When
it comes to commands like these the Spirit
of God must urge us on to obedience. The
issue here is not how you feel about this
person. The issue is not even how you feel
about the commands to love and do good and
bless and pray for them; the issue above all
others is obedience. Because obedience to
the Word is your faith in action. In v. 35
He adds, “and your reward will be great,
and you will be sons of the Most High; for
He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil
{men.}”
This is exactly what Paul builds on in
Romans 12:14 when he lays down the command
for Grace Age believers, to “bless those
who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”
The command to “bless” is repeated
twice. What Paul gives us is the present
active imperative of eu)loge/w (eulogeo)
lit.- speak well of {from eu-
‘well or good’ and logeo- ‘speak’},
and invoke a blessing upon. If we
trace its usage back to the Septuagint {the
3rd century BC translation of the
OT Scriptures into Hellenistic Greek} it
meant ‘to call down God’s grace and
power upon someone.’ Eulogeo is
where we get ‘eulogy’ and ‘eulogize’-
‘praise highly, extol the virtues of.’
To
“bless” is to ‘speak well of,’ to
‘speak words of grace and power into the
life.’ When God blesses something He speaks
words of grace and power; and whatever He
speaks comes to pass. When He blesses a
man, a marriage, a family, a nation, He
speaks words that bring strength to the
soul. You can bless others by asking the
“God of all grace” {1 Pet. 5:10} to
“do good” for someone else, to extend
His hand of mercy to someone who may have
hurt you, wounded you deeply and painfully.
To “curse,” on the other hand, means-
wish evil upon someone, to lit.
pray against this person, as opposed to
for him.
We can express this in words {and we often
do}, or just in thought, and believe that no
one knows anything about it. Don’t think
for a moment that the rage and resentment
you harbor for someone inside won’t make its
way out. Jesus said in Mark 7:21, “from
within, out of the heart of men, proceed the
evil thoughts” that lead to evil deeds
as well as evil speech. “All these
…things proceed [‘come forth’] from
within;” it is these that “defile the
man,” v. 23. You cannot nurse the
‘bottle of bitterness’ without seeing its
effects in your life!
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”
The fact that the curse is even mentioned
shows us what? That this is not natural to
any of us— male or female. It’s always
easier to curse; and it always has been.
From the day Cain looked with envy and
jealousy upon his brother and cut him down
in a fit of rage, man has never lacked the
means or the motivation by which to curse
another. This v. is calling for a radical
restructuring of life as we know it in the
world. Now do you understand what I mean
when I say, “What we need above all else as
a body of believers is power: phenomenally
overwhelming power”? We need the Spirit of
God to move in a mighty way in every one of
our lives.
The present tense always speaks of
continuous, ongoing action, a ‘from
here-on-out’ type of action; the active
voice means our volition is involved in
carrying out this command. The imperative
mood is where the ‘command’ comes in,
because the most basic function of an
imperative is for someone in authority
handing down orders to his subordinates.
Here, the Holy Spirit with sovereign
authority is giving divine direction to a
persecuted believer, whoever and wherever he
or she is.
The presence of a command in the NT should
give us hope. Why? Because we know that
change can come: it can be done. Whenever Christ commands, He also supplies
the strength to execute it! It is
possible and we can learn to bless; this is
only impossible when we refuse to see it
through the eyes of Christ. What we want in
the flesh, what we want when we take hold of
the same spirit that motivates Satan, is to
curse those who curse us. It’s the most
natural thing in the world.
Every sinner is born with the capacity to
curse already in place. And since every one
of us was born a sinner, what does that tell
you? We not only need a new nature through
“regeneration” {Titus 3:5}, we need a
new mindset through renovation.
Romans 12:2 speaks of “the renewing of”
our minds, or ‘the renovation of our
thoughts.’ What happens when you renovate
something? What do you have to do? You
have tear out the old and build in the new.
There is a demolition that takes place
before construction can begin. We have to
not only learn and receive and absorb the
Word, we have to trust that there is, in
fact, potential for power in its
application, that Truth always wins out in
the end. If you don’t believe that, you’re
not going to make it very far on this
pilgrim’s path. And if you don’t know where
to start, why not try asking God to guide
you?
His: To teach
us how to pray for those who hurt us. He
can not only give us the words to say, but
also the power to release others from
judgment whenever memories surface. Stephen
in Acts 7 is a good example of one living
and dying in imitation of His Savior. As
the Scribes and the Elders of Israel were
stoning him to death, with Saul looking on
in approval, he said, “Lord, do not hold
this sin against them!…,” v. 60.
E: Exercise
the Compassion of Christ.
Ours: is
found in 1 Peter 3:9 where Peter speaks of,
“not returning evil for evil or insult
for insult,
but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very
purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” To do this we have to think and to live utterly
unlike the world around us. Our
response, reflexive and ingrained through
our hearts having been trained by the Spirit
of Christ, to those who do us wrong must be
to give good in exchange for evil, blessing
in response to cursing. Blessing in this
sense is good accomplished aggressively. It
is not, like the average believer, passive;
it doesn’t just sit by while evil takes the
reins. It is an active response, an
aggressive return of good as God has defined
it for evil as the enemy designed it! What
this does for the other person, especially
those you care about, is it demands
something better from them. It demands that
they look beyond their own selfishly
ego-centric interests. And it provides an
opportunity for them to ‘change their
minds,’ or as the English puts it, to
‘repent.’
Love is always a
decision, a
choice we each must make; and this is the
unconquerable love of Christ in action. In
Scripture love is always related to giving
{and essentially, to sacrifice}: John 3:16,
“For God so loved the world that He
gave His only begotten Son…;” in
Galatians 2:20 Paul speaks of “the Son of
God who loved me and gave Himself up
for me;” Ephesians 5:25 tells us, “Christ …loved the Church and
gave
Himself up for her;” 2 Thessalonians
2:16 says, that “God our Father… has
loved us and given us eternal comfort
and good hope by grace.” To give
something in grace to another is the fullest
expression of love. In Romans 12 we are
giving what God demands: a blessing instead
of a curse. By the way, it doesn’t matter
how you and I feel about this. It’s not a
matter of whether you feel like doing
anything; it’s a matter of faith, not
feeling. If you wait til you ‘feel’ like it
to “love your enemies, do good to those
who hate you, bless those who curse you”
and “pray for those who mistreat you,”
you’re going to be waiting a long, long
time.
You think Jesus felt like going to the
Cross? His first prayer in the Garden of
Gethsemane was, “Father, Abba, if
it is possible let this cup of pain pass Me
by…,” Matthew 26:39 {RR}; i.e., ‘if You
can take it away, take it.’ His second was,
“if this cannot pass away unless I drink
it, Your will be done,” v. 42. You
think He felt like it after the
‘railroading’ they gave Him, after the
scourging with the Roman mastix,
after the crowning with thorns, after the
beatings and abuse, the heaps upon heaps of
scorn and ridicule— Matthew 27; Mark 15;
Luke 23; John 18-19. How ‘bout it… think He
felt like it then? Somehow, I doubt it!
But He endured anyway in obedience to His
Father’s will; in Hebrews 9:14 we see that
it was “through the eternal Spirit”
that Christ “offered Himself without
blemish to God.” Anything less than
omnipotence, than the stamina and strength
of the mighty Spirit of God, and He would’ve
been gone. Of course, you and I would have
bailed after the very first trial; at the
very latest when the first strike of that
Roman whip took the hide off our backs.
“Whooaagghh, heyyy, that’s enough.”
When it comes to the command to bless we
have to look beyond the immediate pain of
our periphery and to the ultimate outcome in
others’ lives and in our own. God gives
grace to those who least deserve it; and
so should we. That’s the inner essence of
grace right there: God gives it to us as His
enemies. This was an unknown understanding
of grace among the ancient Greeks.
In the book
Shame and Grace: Healing the
Shame We Don’t Deserve author Lewis
Smedes writes, “Grace overcomes shame, not
by uncovering an overlooked cache of
excellence in ourselves but simply by
accepting us, the whole of us, with no
regard to our beauty or our ugliness, our
virtue or our vices. We are …accepted with
no possibility of being rejected. Accepted
once and accepted forever. Accepted at the
ultimate depth of our being. We are given
what we have longed for in every nook and
nuance of every relationship.” Want to know
when you’re ready for grace? When you’re
dead-dog tired of struggling and striving
and straining to be worthy of love and
deserving of acceptance.
When the years of trying over and over again
to earn the approval of someone
important to us have passed, now we’re ready
for grace. When you’re sick of living your
life as someone else, the person somebody
somewhere convinced you, you had to be,
grace is waiting. When we’ve given up the
false and futile hope of ever being perfect,
now our hearts can hear the resounding
reassurance: we are accepted, in His
grace. You are accepted “in the Beloved”
with no risk of ever being rejected again.
Those days are gone, never to return.
Satan loves to sneak in through the
circumstances of our lives and wipe out
every trace of grace… remove every element
of pardon, acceptance, power and attitude,
and convince us it was all just a dream.
“God couldn’t really be that kind, that
caring, that compassionate toward His
creatures. And certainly not towards
you.”
This is the accusation we hear whispered on
the wind; it comes to us through guilt and
shame, through the words of other people,
and from our own distorted image of God. It
was Blaise Pascal who said, “God made man in
His own image …and man returned the
compliment.” The enemy wants us to believe
the Good News is too good to be true, the
Word of Grace is just too gracious, the
Message of redemption and restoration is
just a fantasy of the faithful! And more
often that not, we buy what he’s selling and
swallow it whole. We demonstrate our
unbelief by the fact that we go back to
living out of fear, not out of faith, back
to a familiar rule of law and not the
reality of Love.
His: The
Father of mercies blesses us with His
goodness and grace in ways we never
imagined. The rest of this section in 1
Peter 3, vv. 10-12, reads: “For, ‘THE ONE
WHO DESIRES LIFE [isn’t that the purpose
of living, to find life?], TO LOVE
AND SEE GOOD DAYS [Peter quoting from
Psalm 34:12-16 say’s, the ‘one who desires’
this:], MUST KEEP HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL
AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING DECEIT. HE MUST
TURN AWAY FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD; HE MUST
SEEK PEACE AND PURSUE IT [why?]. FOR
THE EYES OF THE LORD ARE TOWARD THE
RIGHTEOUS AND HIS EARS ATTEND TO THEIR
PRAYER, BUT THE FACE OF THE LORD IS AGAINST
THOSE WHO DO EVIL.’”
Even with the divine help of the Holy
Spirit, it takes time to move through this
maze, and to navigate it effectively.
Forgiveness is rarely an instantaneous
event; the process of healing comes in
meters, not in miles. But a day will dawn
when we’re able to bless those who curse,
pray for those who persecute, and even love
those who hate; and that’s when we will have
found our freedom in forgiveness.
When fallen people in a fallen world hurt us
in ways we don’t deserve, sooner or later we
come to a crossroad. You look at the rage
and bitterness of your own unforgiveness and
ask: ‘Am I going to hang on tight to my
anger and do damage to myself …or am I going
to forgive those who’ve wounded me and give
my anger over to God’? In Matthew 11:28
Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are
weary and weighed down, and I will give you
rest.” As it says in The Message,
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on
religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and
you’ll recover your Life. I’ll show you how
to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work
with Me— watch how I do it. Learn the
unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay
anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep
company with Me and you’ll learn to live
freely and lightly,” vv. 28-30. And
that, my friends, is a Life worth living— “freely and lightly,” in the unforced
rhythm of grace.
Þ
The acrostic ‘FORGIVE’ and its related
concepts were adapted, then rewritten by me,
from the book Letting Go of Our Anger and
Frustration by John and Pam Vredevelt.
